Originally published in Find Maroondah
A lot of women who have taken up the important role of foster caring use the same word to describe their foster child’s experience of Mother’s Day: bittersweet.
For most, Mother’s Day looks the same as everyone else. It starts with breakfast in bed or maybe going out for lunch. There are cards and gifts, and plenty of things crafted by small hands in kinder and primary school classes.
But underneath lies the child’s experience of being removed from their birth parents due to it not being safe for them, or it not being possible for their birth parent to take care of them.
The children’s experience of Mother’s Day can range from apathy and avoidance through to it being a painful and uncomfortable day; yet another challenge to navigate in their traumatic childhood. It’s hard for young people who have experienced trauma and neglect to not feel apprehensive towards something that makes them feel different from other children.
That’s where these wonderful foster carers come in. They are wholly committed to the happiness and safety of the children and young people they care for, and when Mother’s Day comes around each year, they approach it with openness and understanding.
“It can be challenging for them,” says Sarah a carer from Knox. “For some, it’s a sad time, because they want to be with their parents, even if they understand that’s not a possibility at the moment.”
“As a foster carer, you can never replace their mum. You’ve just got to try and work toward supporting their connection (to their biological family).”
Helping children in the foster care system to feel included and (for lack of a better word) normal, is part of the reason foster carers are so valuable.
“It sort of highlights for me how important the day is for the children rather than myself. Getting to give someone a gift and make someone feel special is important for them,” says Sarah.
Scoresby foster carer, Melissa echoes this experience. She says that each foster child has completely different circumstances. Some have a good relationship with their birth mother and celebrate both their biological mum and their foster carer on Mother’s Day. Some children in foster care have never met their birth parents, and have a fraught concept of who their mother is.
“You really need to cater to what their circumstances and wishes are. Sometimes you’ll care for more than one child at a time, and their circumstances will be completely different, so you have to be open and flexible as to what the day means to each child,” Melissa explains.
“For us, we give them extra money, so they buy Mother’s Day gifts for whoever they want. If you can put the control in their hands, then they’ll decide for themselves. Foster care is all about backing the children to make their own decisions, and this is a good way to do that.”
For Mooroolbark foster carer, Nicole, Sunday 10 May will be her first ever Mother’s Day, and she’s embracing the day as a new experience for her and the two young people she cares for.
“I just became a foster carer in December, and I don’t have biological children of my own, so this is really a first for me,” Nicole says with a laugh.
“We haven’t talked about what we’re going to do, or how the kids feel about the day, but I do think a lot about their own mum and how I fit in. I can’t ever replace their mums, but I can be important to them”.
“Rather than make it about me, I think we’ll probably do something special that is more about us as a team. I’ll do something fun for them instead.”
It’s common to see different words and language being used to help the children to feel more involved.
Ferntree Gully foster carer, Rebecca says their long-term foster child considers himself to have two mums: his birth mum, and his ‘heart mum’ who chose him.
One carer family say their child doesn’t call it ‘Mother’s Day’ he calls it ‘Danielle’s Day’, which gives him a chance to participate in his own way.
“It gets tricky when they try to explain who we are to their teachers and friends. Most of the kids around them have their mum and dad or grandparents taking them to school, but it’s not the case for foster children. Sometimes they feel shame about this, so I think the words they choose help them to overcome this,” says Danielle.
In speaking to the foster carers who will be celebrating Mother’s Day this year, the day is clearly all about making the children they care for feel included and welcome in their home, whatever that means to them.
Be sure to give a high-five to any foster mums you know this Mother’s Day!
